Tag Archives: truth

My Soul Speaks of Rewilding

Wild Grace is shifting, shedding, growing, playing, and experiencing a lot. In contrast to the typical summer energetics of expansion and opening, the last few months have been a time of contraction, going inward, craving quietness, contemplation, exploring the inner terrain of my own soul and how it’s reflected in my business, and allowing myself to be guided by my intuition, spirit guides, passions, and deep desires.

I’ve been listening to the plants I use in my medicine in new ways, experiencing them rather than simply learning about them intellectually.  Understanding that they have so much more to teach us than we ever thought possible. That we can learn so much from our environment, the spirits that inhabit the local trees, rivers, meadows, tide pools, and deserts that must be understood through communicating with them rather than reading about them.

Recently, I journeyed with Datura, one of my favorites of the poisonous plants, and thought I’d share with you the wisdom she has for us…

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First came visions of canyons, ancient tree groves, old gnarled twisted trees extending their roots and branches out to take up as much space as this space will allow.  Damp, mossy, loamy forest floors, echoing our shadow places, the darkness so many of us are afraid to explore and experience even though it makes itself known in numerous ways every day and we don’t even notice…

And then a snake wrapping itself around my low belly and hips, not tight like it’s trying to constrict or squeeze, just loose heavy rings encircling my pelvis. Winding its way up my spine, around each vertebra, and I can feel the muscles soften to let her pass by. She comes up and over my right shoulder.

The shoulder that hurts. The one that holds so much and is never seen because I’m afraid of what’s there. The one that’s been waiting patiently for me to be quiet, sit down, lie down, settle down, and cool down. So patient. Just waiting. For me to let go of my anger to see there’s another way to release this fire, to be seen and heard. Okay love, I’m listening…

She speaks of the wild, of the Earth Mother from which I can now see I’ve been hiding because she’s so powerful, amoral, primal, and raw. Life means death, and death means life. Life is not happening to me, I am part of the event known as Life. An observer. A participant whose role is ever-shifting, but that will go on long after my time on this earth is over.

She speaks of a wildness that is beyond my comfort zone. One in which I go wild and let go of the things I’ve previously believed to hold significance, and go deeper. To listen, to honor the spirits that inhabit this environment. To hear the plants speak their wisdom not in words, but in extra-sensory experiences.

This is what my soul craves. This is what the pain is speaking of, what it is guiding me into, and where the illness originates. And it has been long enough. Through lifetimes I’ve heard these messages, always coming in different and new ways, speaking the same truth. Time to rewild, to step into the shadow with my light, to embrace the death, the shedding, the truth. To descend to and traverse the messy, gnarly, brokenhearted creative chaos of the primal Mother that is reflected in the terrain of my own soul.

And to explore and experience this space between worlds with lightness of heart, allowing my soul to shine in her full brightness, trusting that while we may use anger as creative fuel, it is really love that transforms, shifts, and heals the relationship with our Self, each other, and our Mother.

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Oil Changes, Financial Freedom + Self-Love

As many of you know, I’ve been on a journey lately to heal my relationship with money. I knew it was time to write this post because as I sat down to write it, I really didn’t want to. Resistance. It’s a beautiful and VERY anxiety-provoking teacher. As Steven Pressfield writes in The War of Art, “The more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That’s why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there’d be no Resistance.” So here I am, writing about something I NEVER thought I’d be writing about, self-love and money.

Another thing I resist? Doing anything related to car maintenance. I know it’s ridiculous. It’s a very grown up and responsible thing that we automobile owners need to do. And why do I avoid anything related to cars? Simple: it makes me feel stupid. Disempowered. Small. Totally out of my element. Transmission fluid? Air filters? Alignment? Yeah, no thanks.

But one of my Core Desired Feelings this month is “Empowered.” I want to feel empowered and independent around my life circumstances and my responsibilities, especially the ones I’ve previously avoided.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m SUPER independent! I left home when I was 18 and moved 3,000 miles away from my family, I like doing things myself (sometimes to a fault…delegation is not my strong suit), and I’m not afraid or uncomfortable going places and having a great time on my own. Solo road trip? Hell yea! Exploring new cities on my own? Totally!

So the other day I decided it was time to get my oil changed. (Actually the sticker in the top left corner of my windshield SAID it was time.) As I sat in the waiting room, biting my nails, feeling small and super awkward, I realized here was a perfect instance of a lack of self-love.

In a moment of perfect synchronicity, I was sitting there reading Kate Northrup’s book Money: A Love Story so it hit me…*cue facepalm*…

There’s another area of my life in which I’ve always felt disempowered: MONEY. Budgeting, financial planning, accounting, bookkeeping? Nope. Again, major resistance. I’ve been working SO MUCH to cultivate more self-love in my own life, teaching self-love to my clients, so here was my chance to practice getting into my body, listening to my heart, and begin healing this part of me that felt inadequate.

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The major pattern in ALL of this? Avoidance. Burying my head in the sand and *fingers crossed* hoping things would somehow just work themselves out. It’s worked thus far, right? Kind of. Mostly. Not so much. So here are the new practices I’m implementing with deep commitment and intention to cultivate a LOVING relationship with my money…

1. Checking my balance. Making it a part of my daily routine, a ritual, even a spiritual practice in mindfulness, gratitude, and intention behind my conscious, daily choices.
2. Feeling gratitude. Feeling abundant isn’t about the amount of money in your bank account. It’s about the way you FEEL about the money in your account. When I check my balance now, I see the work I love doing. The clients and students I love working with. The fact that I get to live a purposeful life AND make money doing it!
3. Notice what I spend my money on. Not to create guilt and shame, but to make sure my purchases are in alignment with my values. You’ve heard it before: We vote with our dollars! So why would I invest my money (and therefore my energy) into businesses that don’t feel good to support.

I wrote out these action steps as I waited for my car to be ready, then got into my car feeling lighter, more conscious, and EMPOWERED!

Intend to shine

Watch this video (it’s short) and then read on…

“I can do anything good!”

What would happen if we all said this to ourselves every day?  Awhile back, after much deep soul work and transformation, I realized I can actually do anything.  I can make stuff happen.  Manifestation, the ability to do anything “good” when we align heart, mind, and action.  That realization is POWERFUL!

We all have the power to create the life we want.  Usually that power is just hidden beneath layers of old beliefs, old patterns and stories that we hold on to because at one point in our life they served us.  But they don’t anymore, so it’s time to say “Thanks, Fear.  I know at one point you kept me safe and I appreciate it SO much.  I don’t need you anymore.”

This little girl, Jessica,

The thing about fear is that it allows us to play small.  It’s safe.  We don’t have to risk exposure, criticism, judgment, or getting knocked down.  And sometimes we need to get knocked down.  I know it doesn’t sound fun, but stick with me for a minute here.

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We all make mistakes.  In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I immediately regret this decision.”  Or as one of my lovely friends says, “Ya done fucked up.”

It irks me a little bit to hear new-agey people say, “there’s no such thing as a mistake.  It’s all a lesson.”  Yes it’s all a lesson.  We learn A LOT from messing up.  But mistakes do exist.  Failure exists.  But it’s not the end of the story.

If you’re doing big things in the world, if you’re in a state of personal growth and development (which, if we’re doing our work, then we are), your ego is gonna get checked.  You’ll have moments of arrogance, idiocy, thoughtlessness.  You’ll fall short of your own and someone else’s expectations.  Sometimes you’ll get criticism without necessarily “earning” it, but simply by speaking your truth.  But that’s another matter for another post.

Today, we’ll just acknowledge that mistakes happen.  So let’s feel empowered around our “epic fails” rather than shaming ourselves because of them.

Action Time: Think of a time you really screwed up.  Your “favorite” failure, and by favorite I mean the biggest bungle you’ve made.  What did you learn?  Get SUPER honest with yourself.  Don’t get sarcastic, mean, judgy, or defensive.  That doesn’t serve anyone and it puts up all kinds of walls that we’re working to tear down.  What did this snafu open your eyes to that you didn’t see/know/understand before?  How did this mistake make you stronger than before?

You can then take it one step further.  Is there a pattern in the lessons you’ve learned?  Perhaps it’s taken a few lapses in judgment to learn a particular lesson (I’ve totally been there).  As humans we seem to have a propensity toward making the same mistakes over and over.  And over.  We’ll get it eventually.

And that, my friend, is empowering.  That is Self-Love.  Own it.  Love it.  And then let it go.  Because as Danielle Laporte says, “You can’t face forward until you’ve processed your past.”  And because you can do anything good.  Intend to shine.

And now for some serious truth-telling

A lot of people ask how I began my recovery from my eating disorder(s).  What was it that finally broke through the walls I had built up.  What was the thing that finally helped me to WANT to feed myself.  How did I recover?  People want to hear that it was one particular moment, that the light bulb went off, that I finally realized there was more to life than weight and food, blah blah blah…

Here’s the truth, and it may surprise some, anger a few, and make total sense to others.

I didn’t.  There was no light bulb.  There wasn’t a decisive moment when I had had enough.  There were many of those moments, and they would last anywhere from a few days to a couple years.  And then there would be a trigger, an event, a stressful couple months, a major (or minor) shift, and I would be sent spiraling back.  Only each time was a little worse because everyone expected me to be “better”, “recovered”, “over it”.   The shame and guilt over my behaviors, the fact that I was slowly ripping my body apart, was worse than I could bear, and so to alleviate that pain, I’d sink deeper.

story we will never tell

I did a pretty okay job of covering up this intense shame and self-loathing by soaking up all the knowledge I could about health, yoga, meditation, spirituality in general, healing work, bodywork, emotional holding, Ayurveda, herbalism from multiple traditions, Chinese Medicine, how to heal trauma, nutritional theory, shamanism, tarot, anything I could get my hands on.  I learned how to eat really healthy.  I’m now one of the most educated 27 year olds I know, and all that is simply a compensation, a distraction from dealing with the fact that I still had no idea how to nourish my Self.  I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting with myself long enough to hear the answers that my soul had for me.

And then for the greatest cover-up of them all, I decided to coach OTHER women with eating disorders, because if I couldn’t fix myself, maybe I could fix them and then my own struggle would be justified.  And that’s when it all started to crack and crumble.  My soul was speaking to me through the eating disorder, telling me it was time for transformation, for letting go.  My body was beginning to feel the (quite frankly) terrifying effects of years of starving and purging.  Before I could do anything I needed to heal my body and my heart.  To give myself the space, let myself be seen in the most vulnerable way.  Everything about it felt raw, exposed, torn open.  It was time to learn the lesson of asking for what I want and need.

And I did.  And my community has risen up more than I could have ever imagined to offer support, space, guidance, words, and witness.  And no judgment whatsoever.

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So here I am now, bearing all my scars, all my shame, my pain, anger, grief, everything I’d been working SO hard to conceal for fear of your judgment.  Now that I have nothing left to hide, I can begin the real work to connect with a deep love for myself not because of my imperfections and battles, but because I Am.  Because all of us have the right to love and be loved simply by being born into this world.  We don’t need to earn love.  We ARE love.  And so begins the heroine’s journey…

heroine's journey

Self-Love: Not Your Mom’s Golden Rule

The Golden Rule.  We’ve all heard it a million times before.  “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  It’s a nice thought.  Nice.  Another forthcoming post will be all about how much I dislike that word.  (Yes, sometimes I can be a hater, but it’s all in the name of self-love. ) Today I’m keeping my words short and sweet, so let’s get to it…

Here’s my revised and improved version of the Golden Rule: Treat yourself how you want others to treat you.  Be your own best friend.  We’ve all been wired to give, give, give until we’re completely tapped out, and then give some more.  We drain our own energy because we feel obligated to family, friends, bosses, and coworkers to give of ourselves until we have nothing else to give, and then hope that it’s enough.  All the while, we haven’t been trained to nourish and love ourselves so that we can replenish our energy of love.  We think a day at the spa or getting a message every couple months is the same as self-love.  I have BIG NEWS for you: It’s not.  I have so many clients coming to me because, in their words, they want a more “balanced lifestyle.”  Well, working your a$$ off on a regular basis is not balance.

But what IS balance?  Honestly, most of the time I have no idea.  Maybe it’s best so save that exploration for another forthcoming post too.  But I will say this…You can’t love others until you love yourself.  In the words of my girl Christine Arylo, author of Madly in Love with ME:

The more love you generate for yourself, the more love you have to give…love always creates more love.

Does the idea of self-love scare you?  Confuse you?  Do you equate self-love with narcissism, vanity, conceit, or self-centeredness?  If so, in the next coming weeks I have some MAJORLY TRANSFORMATIVE information for you!!  So if you haven’t already, bookmark my website: www.wildgrace.me and make sure you’re signed up for my newsletter (It’s where you put your email in and click “Subscribe”) so that you’ll receive the videos, meditations, activities, and exercises I’ve made for you…

So here’s my takeaway of the day: When you love, respect, nurture, and feed yourself, others will do the same, both for you and for themselves.  Start setting an example of self-love and watch what happens around you.  “If enough of us embrace love, the world will eventually be saturated with love. The love in the world begins with the love within ourselves.” ~Deepak Chopra (who is, incidentally, on instagram as @deepster2)

xo

I don't know where this photo came from, but it's a sweet tattoo + reminder
I don’t know where this photo came from, but it’s a sweet tattoo + reminder