Category Archives: Whispers of my soul

My Soul Speaks of Rewilding

Wild Grace is shifting, shedding, growing, playing, and experiencing a lot. In contrast to the typical summer energetics of expansion and opening, the last few months have been a time of contraction, going inward, craving quietness, contemplation, exploring the inner terrain of my own soul and how it’s reflected in my business, and allowing myself to be guided by my intuition, spirit guides, passions, and deep desires.

I’ve been listening to the plants I use in my medicine in new ways, experiencing them rather than simply learning about them intellectually.  Understanding that they have so much more to teach us than we ever thought possible. That we can learn so much from our environment, the spirits that inhabit the local trees, rivers, meadows, tide pools, and deserts that must be understood through communicating with them rather than reading about them.

Recently, I journeyed with Datura, one of my favorites of the poisonous plants, and thought I’d share with you the wisdom she has for us…

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First came visions of canyons, ancient tree groves, old gnarled twisted trees extending their roots and branches out to take up as much space as this space will allow.  Damp, mossy, loamy forest floors, echoing our shadow places, the darkness so many of us are afraid to explore and experience even though it makes itself known in numerous ways every day and we don’t even notice…

And then a snake wrapping itself around my low belly and hips, not tight like it’s trying to constrict or squeeze, just loose heavy rings encircling my pelvis. Winding its way up my spine, around each vertebra, and I can feel the muscles soften to let her pass by. She comes up and over my right shoulder.

The shoulder that hurts. The one that holds so much and is never seen because I’m afraid of what’s there. The one that’s been waiting patiently for me to be quiet, sit down, lie down, settle down, and cool down. So patient. Just waiting. For me to let go of my anger to see there’s another way to release this fire, to be seen and heard. Okay love, I’m listening…

She speaks of the wild, of the Earth Mother from which I can now see I’ve been hiding because she’s so powerful, amoral, primal, and raw. Life means death, and death means life. Life is not happening to me, I am part of the event known as Life. An observer. A participant whose role is ever-shifting, but that will go on long after my time on this earth is over.

She speaks of a wildness that is beyond my comfort zone. One in which I go wild and let go of the things I’ve previously believed to hold significance, and go deeper. To listen, to honor the spirits that inhabit this environment. To hear the plants speak their wisdom not in words, but in extra-sensory experiences.

This is what my soul craves. This is what the pain is speaking of, what it is guiding me into, and where the illness originates. And it has been long enough. Through lifetimes I’ve heard these messages, always coming in different and new ways, speaking the same truth. Time to rewild, to step into the shadow with my light, to embrace the death, the shedding, the truth. To descend to and traverse the messy, gnarly, brokenhearted creative chaos of the primal Mother that is reflected in the terrain of my own soul.

And to explore and experience this space between worlds with lightness of heart, allowing my soul to shine in her full brightness, trusting that while we may use anger as creative fuel, it is really love that transforms, shifts, and heals the relationship with our Self, each other, and our Mother.

On surrender

moon whale

Usually I work with the theme of release during the Full Moon.  I meditate on the old patterns, things that feel stuck that I’m ready to release, to let go of, to clear.  Often I’ll do some kind of releasing ritual usually involving burning things (I am a Leo after all…we love our fire) and then burying the ashes or letting the wind carry them away.

This month, however, in honor of the huge transition going on in my life (as well as I’m sure many of yours), I’ve been sitting with the idea not of letting go, but of surrendering. They sound like the same thing, right? Although they may be similar in definition and sometimes even outcome, to me surrendering has a different energy behind it, and so contributes a different quality to this journey through transition and change.

For most of us, change can be really uncomfortable.  Even when we know it’s what we need or even want, we tend to resist, freak out, lose our center, and fight to hold on to situations, people, jobs, or patterns from which our soul is ready to move on.

To say the first half of this year has been intense for most of us would be a gigantic understatement.  To me, it felt like my very foundation was being shaken until everything I knew to be true crumbled, my walls were leveled, my heart broken open to reveal a softness inside I had allowed very few people to witness before now.  I was knocked to my knees, literally and figuratively.  My physical body changed, and sometimes it felt like those deeply engrained ways of moving, thinking, speaking, and acting were being burned away, consumed by that very fire that used to terrify me when I’d feel it rising.  And when I finally surrendered to that fire, that blaze that I had been afraid would burn out of control if I didn’t contain it, began to soften and reveal something brilliant underneath.

And then I could finally take a deep breath.

All that crumbling, breaking, splitting, and destruction that we’ve been navigating can finally lead to the most space, the most depth, the most compassion, and the most peace we’ve ever felt.  As I look back at the aftermath of the last six months, I see the rubble of old beliefs, relationships, addictions, and roles that I had held onto for my whole life.

And now is the time when I surrender to my uncontainable and irrepressible Being within.  My wild grace.  My creative spirit.  With all this space that’s been opened up, with this unwillingness to abandon myself any longer, unwillingness to edit or hold back this wild creature that’s been set free, I can finally surrender to the Wild Soul I’ve always known was there, waiting to be awakened and uncaged.

So it’s not a letting go.  I’ve done the necessary (for now) letting go and making space.  Now is the time to surrender to my truth.  Under the blessing of this Full Moon, standing in my own sacred space, I now have the necessary space to fully trust my soul to guide me.

What would happen if you sat in the fire?  If you held your space, not knowing how you would come out the other side?

I have gone a’bone gathering…

Dearest souls,

I wanted to share a poem with you this week that echoes my own journey, and I imagine the one I share with many of you as well. Especially, the past few weeks, I’ve been coming back to it a lot as a sort of anthem. If you find Shiloh Sophia’s work as inspiring as I do, please check out her website.

Bone Gathering

Returning to one’s self
after a long voyage into the
desert is the work all beings
must do one day.
The day will come when
the absence of the missing bones
and the pieces of your heart
that you left on the highway to die
after too many mornings waking up
alone, in body or spirit or both,
will require you to return.
For this sacred work,
a map for returning will
be provided, so you can find
the missing persons reports.
This map is not in a language
you will understand. Are you surprised?
With each stop on the quest
there may be a sitting-down-hard
head-in-hands-wondering-why
and even despair you thought
you had gone beyond.
Grief and wonder are the
companions you will find
because they are also the way
through the hard to see places.
Give in to them. You will be okay.
I wish I could say it
could be easier than this.
Hiding, cutting, dismembering
ourselves wasn’t so easy, was it?
We did it to survive, we thought,
and we wrapped up the bloodied
limbs and continued on,
almost soldier-like in our sacrifice
of ourselves. Never mind the blood-loss
of not being ourselves.
Never mind not even knowing what song
belongs to our mouth and
what movement our body
loves the most.
How did we go on this way?
All that is done now.
No more, we say,
and that is how we found ourselves here.
This excavation requires
specialized tools,
if it didn’t
bone gathering
would have started long before now.
Yes I know you have already started.
I can see that in your tender eyes.
Don’t worry, yes it is scary at first.
The tools are intact for excavation
and user friendly,
you will find they fit your palm just so.
The stranger within you
knows how to use each one.
She was the one yelling at you before,
to listen listen listen inside the soul cave,
but now that you have listened to her,
she will be the one to help you see in the dark.
This is the one we call the Muse.
Visionary bones are made of stardust
and glow in the darkness.
Come.
You will find them. You have to.
I need you to.
We need you to find them.
I have gone a’ bone gathering
and I found this poem here in the wet earth
and brought it to you.
Dust off the mud and muck
and you find words dry enough
to light your spark.

-Shiloh Sophia

You can stop asking for permission

Some time between two and three years old, one day as I was strolling through a park with my mom  and some friends, I was attacked by a gigantic blue peacock.  No worries, there was no blood drawn.  No mutilation occured.  I think my mom was more scared than I was.  All I remember is a flurry of brilliant blue feathers in my face and feeling the strong peacock feet pushing into my chest.  Somewhere in a faint memory I recall everyone else freaking out and wondering if I should be doing the same.

In many native cultures, a shaman-in-training will be led into the forest/wilderness to confront their spirit animal.  If they survive, they’ve passed a major test toward becoming a medicine/warrior shaman.  If they don’t, well, they don’t.

peacock

Back to my peacock…

For awhile now, I’ve been studying totemic arts with this incredible tribe, meeting my spirit animals, healing archetypal wounds, and rediscovering hidden parts of myself.  This work has taken me to the deepest places of my heart, guiding me to reclaim lost parts of my soul, and helped me to see huge reservoirs of untapped power within.  I’ve been practicing extensively how to listen to and follow my inner guides to meet my animal totems and receive the wisdom and medicine they have to offer.

Often, an experience such as the one I had with a peacock can be a sign that animal is one of our totems.  When Emelie first suggested peacock as a potential totem, I had MAJOR resistance.  Of course resistance (or a strong emotional reaction) to an animal is another sign that animal is one of our totems.

So I started researching peacock medicine.  Looking into their behavior, patterns, habits, colorings, mythology.  As soon as I opened to this incredible animal I noticed their imagery was ALL OVER my Pinterest boards, articles and photos I had cut out of magazines, long-forgotten books on my shelves, jewelry, etc.

From my research I realized peacock totems are both rare and incredibly powerful medicine.  That they’ve been associated with mysticism, greater vision, immortality.  Like the mythological phoenix, the peacock represents the rising from ashes of that which is ready to be released and sacrificed.

BCard-Peacock

And then a NEW kind of resistance came up, and that voice came in saying, “You’re not good enough for this animal.”  “It’s just your ego that wants to have this totem.”  “What makes you think you’re special, good, powerful enough to see any of this in yourself?”  Not only was I afraid of claiming to reflect any part of this rare and beautiful bird, it made me incredibly uncomfortable to think I could contain any of that symbolism within my soul.  It makes me squirm even now as I write about it.

And then I realized: Here’s the shadow side of peacock medicine.  Staying small.  Believing I have too much darkness inside to heal and resurrect those parts of my soul that have been torn.  Afraid of proudly displaying my vivid colors, appearing arrogant or egotistical.  Feeling shame around being SEEN and told that I’m too much.  Scared of my own magnetism and beauty.  Unworthy.  Sound familiar to anyone else?

I briefly stepped back into my small self, looking to have someone outside of me validate me and give me permission to own my peacock self.  To tell me that it was okay to show off my colors, to shine, to stand out and accept the power and magic that peacock medicine has to offer.  I watched myself look for that external validation, realize that’s what I was doing and that ALL of my totems thus far have brought the medicine of deep listening and intuition, reflecting to me that I already have all of the answers within me.  Peacock was now showing up to help me own my power, my voice, and to show off my colors.  To show me that the magnetism I was afraid of was actually a HUGE ally for me!

peacock goddess

So now, even as I feel that resistance STILL, I say to myself, “Katie, just own it.”  I’m done with the “not enough” the “unworthy” the “I’m too much for people so I’ll just shut up, sit down, become invisible.”  I’m done with invisible.  I’m done with seeking permission to shine.  I’m listening and honoring my soul’s voice and wisdom.  And I’m ever-grateful to my shadow for teaching me where there’s room for growth.  Where the cracks appear.

Wild Self-Love: A journey from Starvation to Soul

wolf woman

Dearest Wild Ones,

You remember a couple months ago when I created Shameless Self-Love, my 30-day video campaign to cultivate and encourage a deeper, healthier and more meaningful relationship with our bodies and souls?  Each day, for 30 days straight, I made a video with tips, quotes, tidbits of wisdom, stories and journaling prompts to begin softening our hearts toward ourselves, and to learn how to wildly LOVE our own souls (here’s one of my favorites: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLwWnaSgjmo).

Of course those videos were a way to offer some of my work to you all, to get my voice out there in a big way, and to share the wisdom I’ve gleaned from my own mentors.  But another major part of my reason for creating those videos was for myself.  To get clearer on my message, my truth, what I wanted to share and teach with my clients, and to distill what was the essence of Wild Grace.  To get clear on what I feel my soul’s purpose and message is to the world.

And the response to those videos from you all was AH-MAZING!  I heard from people all over the world who had seen my videos on YouTube, Facebook, and Pinterest, and who wanted to reach out to say how badly we all need the reminder not only to love ourselves, but how to heal those wounds that prevent us from doing so.  I got such incredible feedback and so many equally inspiring questions, that I decided to write a program based on the video series, only now we’re diving much, much deeper.  I’ve been exploring how to use self-love coaching, energy work, animal totems, shamanic ritual, plant medicine, chakra work, visionary and craniosacral therapy in order to heal trauma, addiction, depression, anxiety, and other stuck patterns of behavior and beliefs.  All of this work has effectively led to creating my own life coaching methodology that I CANNOT wait to share with you!

After months of writing, researching, rewriting, scrapping, and starting over, I’m officially (but unofficially) launching Wild Self-Love, a 3 month, one-on-one program to reconnect to your Wild Soul and fall madly in love with your Self with passion and grace.  I say “unofficially” because it’s not even on my website yet.  It is brand, spankin’ new.  And since you’re already on my list, I’m offering it to you, my incredible tribe, FIRST and at a special price…

What happens when you cultivate more self-love and connect with your Wild Soul?

  • You attract better, healthier, happier, and more whole relationships, both romantically and otherwise (i.e. you have amazing friends!!)
  • You manifest abundance in your life, whether it’s literal financial abundance, more satisfying life experiences, or more time to do the things you love – all wonderful, valid forms of abundance
  • You have the ability to create the life you crave, and the power to decide how you want to feel EVERY DAY
  • Your creativity EXPLODES and you become capable of designing your life and anything within it
  • Your body feels free, limitless, and light
  • You know how to make yourself JOYFUL, happy, and fulfilled without looking outside of yourself in order to feel a certain way
  • You feel free from past traumas, addictions, and stuck, recurring patterns that aren’t serving YOU

If you’re ready to fall WILDLY in love with yourself, reconnect with your SOUL and her purpose, now is your time!  I offer a complimentary Self-Love discovery session for any woman interested in working together so that we can chat and make sure we’re a good fit!  Remember, your wise soul contains all the answers within, this work provides the space and support to tap into your inner guides and learn to listen.

I am so passionate about this body of work I’ve put together for you!!  It’s truly an honor to share it, and I can’t wait to work with you…

All my love,
Katie XO

Happy Un-Valentine’s Day

Okay, I’m finally (sort of) giving in to the Valentine’s Day madness, though of course in my own typically rebellious fashion.  And I’m not writing this because Friday is Valentine’s Day, but for whatever reason, when I sat down to write this week, this is what came up…

Recently I’ve embarked on a new journey with a beautiful tribe called the Totemic Arts Apprenticeship in which we learn about our personal animal totems, how they correspond with the chakras, archetypes, zodiac signs, and numerology, and what this means for our own healing process, our businesses, lives, and those of our clients.  I’ve been exploring my relationships with my known animal totems (wolf and snowy owl) and how the wisdom and medicine they bring to us can empower our lives and bring clarity to obstacles we love to put in our own way.  There’s lots of fun research and intellectual headiness that the nerd in me LOVES, but throughout the program there’s lots of opportunity for play, art, creativity, collaboration, and receiving support and love from the tribe.

It all sounds great, right?

And it is!

snowy owl flying

AND THEN alllllll your shit comes up.  Stuff you haven’t dealt with, looked at, sat with, or even acknowledged because it’s dark and scary and ugly.  And who wants to feel those ugly emotions and see what kind of shadows are lurking underneath that lovely, mostly put together exterior that we put up?  Not me.

wolf - red

But the thing is, your soul doesn’t give you anything you’re not ready for.  So when things started stirring, I knew it was time.  And I’ll just tell you now, the last couple weeks have been SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  Like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  Old, small, invisible Katie would have bailed in a second.  But I’ve been preparing for this.  I’ve been feeling a major shift coming for the last year, and here it was.  And you know what it was that triggered me so badly? My inner Lover archetype.  The one I had been ignoring most of my adult life.  The one who is terrified of being unloved and unlovable.  The one who, at times, has lost her identity in order to please others.  The one who is afraid of being alone or in relationships devoid of intimacy.  Whose shadow consists of jealousy, attachment, and fear of being undesirable.  Even now as I write that I wince ever so slightly.  But there it is.  Truth laid bare.

red lady wings

So I sat.  I cried.  I fell apart completely, not knowing how the pieces would fit together again.  I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.  Totally burnt out.  Like too tired to speak.  I spent a whole day hibernating, listening to Tom Waits and Nick Cave (yeah, it got dark) and drawing, getting to know this Lover with her medicine of passion, sensuality, creativity, and desire, while acknowledging and forgiving the shadow side that has occasionally made herself known.

Now I’m beginning to come out the other side and I feel as if I reclaimed my power, self-love, sharp instincts, and a piece of my wild soul.  And the message I got from deeply listening to this part of my soul is this:

Love isn’t “nice.”  It isn’t all pink hearts and chocolate and roses.  It’s gutsy, uncomfortable, gritty, and isn’t afraid to reflect to us where we need to work on ourselves.  Love itself can feel like heartbreak.  Like struggle.  Like we’re stepping off the edge of a cliff and have no idea what’s going to catch us.

openness

And the same can be said of Self-Love…maybe even more so.  Because that’s where it begins.  How can we truly love another if we don’t have the foundation of love for ourselves?  How can we show up for someone else if we’re constantly abandoning our own heart?  We gain the confidence and ability to love ourselves when we have the courage to softly open our hearts when we’re scared shitless, speak our truth, honor our process, and let down our walls.  And that’s what Love for another is too.

Let’s not just honor each other one day a year.  Seriously.  Happy Un-Valentine’s Day (aka every other day of the year)!

And now for some serious truth-telling

A lot of people ask how I began my recovery from my eating disorder(s).  What was it that finally broke through the walls I had built up.  What was the thing that finally helped me to WANT to feed myself.  How did I recover?  People want to hear that it was one particular moment, that the light bulb went off, that I finally realized there was more to life than weight and food, blah blah blah…

Here’s the truth, and it may surprise some, anger a few, and make total sense to others.

I didn’t.  There was no light bulb.  There wasn’t a decisive moment when I had had enough.  There were many of those moments, and they would last anywhere from a few days to a couple years.  And then there would be a trigger, an event, a stressful couple months, a major (or minor) shift, and I would be sent spiraling back.  Only each time was a little worse because everyone expected me to be “better”, “recovered”, “over it”.   The shame and guilt over my behaviors, the fact that I was slowly ripping my body apart, was worse than I could bear, and so to alleviate that pain, I’d sink deeper.

story we will never tell

I did a pretty okay job of covering up this intense shame and self-loathing by soaking up all the knowledge I could about health, yoga, meditation, spirituality in general, healing work, bodywork, emotional holding, Ayurveda, herbalism from multiple traditions, Chinese Medicine, how to heal trauma, nutritional theory, shamanism, tarot, anything I could get my hands on.  I learned how to eat really healthy.  I’m now one of the most educated 27 year olds I know, and all that is simply a compensation, a distraction from dealing with the fact that I still had no idea how to nourish my Self.  I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting with myself long enough to hear the answers that my soul had for me.

And then for the greatest cover-up of them all, I decided to coach OTHER women with eating disorders, because if I couldn’t fix myself, maybe I could fix them and then my own struggle would be justified.  And that’s when it all started to crack and crumble.  My soul was speaking to me through the eating disorder, telling me it was time for transformation, for letting go.  My body was beginning to feel the (quite frankly) terrifying effects of years of starving and purging.  Before I could do anything I needed to heal my body and my heart.  To give myself the space, let myself be seen in the most vulnerable way.  Everything about it felt raw, exposed, torn open.  It was time to learn the lesson of asking for what I want and need.

And I did.  And my community has risen up more than I could have ever imagined to offer support, space, guidance, words, and witness.  And no judgment whatsoever.

circle

So here I am now, bearing all my scars, all my shame, my pain, anger, grief, everything I’d been working SO hard to conceal for fear of your judgment.  Now that I have nothing left to hide, I can begin the real work to connect with a deep love for myself not because of my imperfections and battles, but because I Am.  Because all of us have the right to love and be loved simply by being born into this world.  We don’t need to earn love.  We ARE love.  And so begins the heroine’s journey…

heroine's journey

Dreaming out loud

Oh you guys!  I meant to write earlier this week, and then got so distracted.  This windy weather we’ve been having always leaves me feeling a bit ungrounded, not to mention that it’s 80 degrees in January, so my body is all kinds of confused.

At first I felt guilty for my day dreaming.  I tried finding ways to justify it, but I had work to do.  Blogs, marketing copy, programs, irresistible product descriptions, and meditations to write.  Reading to catch up on.  Silver to get polished (seriously).  Instead of doing any of that, I’ve spent the last week visioning, dreaming, and heart-storming.  I watched that guilty “I feel unproductive” feeling come up, wreak a little bit of havoc on my peace of mind, and then I made the best decision I’ve made in a long time.  I decided to let it go for just a couple days and see what happens when I let my intuition, my soul truly guide me.  To see what happens when I just let myself dream, even if it got to feel a little bit too big and too daunting.

And I’ve come to a profound soul truth.  It feels expansive!  Still big, still daunting, but powerful, spacious, and authentic.  And f*cking awesome.  So awesome, in fact, that I wanted to share it with you all!  Because I know dreaming can be scary, we see these amazing things that we want to do, and then think, “How in the hell am I going to make that happen?!”  It’s easy to proclaim “Follow your passions!”  Rumi even tells us, “Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.  It will not lead you astray.”  And you listen to your heart and everything sounds wonderful and bright and shiny.  And then it comes to taking the steps to ACT on that wisdom.  And we freeze.  And sometimes we stay frozen.  But I don’t want to feel stuck, and I definitely don’t want you to feel stuck.

So now you get to take a journey inside my head, through my visions, and a peek into my dreams…

When I was young, my mom had me watch Practical Magic with her.  She must have known that I loved witchy things.  From the moment I saw Sally’s shop, I needed to have my own.  (You all know what I’m talking about, so no judge-y snickering.)  From then on, in my heart of hearts, I wanted my own space for herbs, magic, healing, teaching, and communing.

And now it’s finally beginning to take shape…

I’m beginning to allow myself to really want it, to let that desire guide me, and take real, practical steps to making it happen.  I’ve even looked at potential spaces for it!  And the most fun part, I’ve begun to imagine it.  To feel, see, smell it…

Think vintage apothecary meets Hogwarts meets gypsy caravan with a touch of whimsy.  And a lot of hanging plant matter.  Are you starting to see it come together?  No?  Here are some pictures to help for those of us who need visuals.

An apothecary like this…

apothecary white

With a touch of this (yes, I absolutely need to skeleton too)…

apothecary kitchen

A bit of that…

gypsy

And a lot of this…

drying herbs

It’s being dreamt, manifested, and acted into existence as I move through my fears of rejection, of commitment, and of playing big and showing up for my own desires.  So here is your reminder to keep dreaming.  Big dreams, small dreams, scary, whimsical, childlike, black+white, and colorful dreams.   It can be pretty terrifying to share our dreams of what we really want because if someone shoots us down it hurts A LOT!  You need to trust in your vision so much that even if someone tells you that you can’t, you KNOW in your deepest, gnarliest knowing that you totally can.  Now that you’ve heard about/seen my dream, I’d LOVE to hear about yours!  Feel free to comment below and share with me what you envision, what you most deeply desire to do/create/have/feel in your life?

Shadow work + embodying the Feminine

shadow work

I don’t know about y’all, but 2013 kicked my ass.  As I mentioned here, it was a hear of lots of shedding.  A couple weeks ago I began looking back at this last year, thinking about where I was at this time a year ago, what I had wanted to accomplish, where I thought I’d be by now.  My first reaction was to be hard on myself, to judge, to step back into the “not enough” mindset.  I briefly got caught up in the pushing, forcing, and do-ing masculine energy of trying to make things happen, believing that I needed to make up that lost time before the end of 2013.  And then I realized this year has been an IMMENSELY deep dive into everything I thought I was, every role I’ve played, the joys, the traumas, all the layers of “shoulds” and “have-to’s”.  I had to clear all of that before I could begin walking the path I knew I was meant for.

ouroborus2

Here’s my crystalized lesson of 2013…

Every time I thought I had gotten to the essence of my soul, there was a whole new layer to work through, explore, and let go of.  A big theme for me this year was that of TRUST.  Mainly trusting myself.  Believing that I have all the knowledge I need to create the business, the life, and the relationships that I want for myself right now.  All I have to do is get out of my own way.  And the same goes for all of us.  So often we allow our shadow side, our own darkness, to keep us from being and doing what we really desire.  There’s some part of our ego that says we don’t deserve to have that life.  Or that we haven’t worked hard enough or done enough.

This year I not only met my shadow side, but I sat, played, danced and fought with, and finally loved my shadow.  She had always been lurking off to the side and I had done a pretty good job of ignoring her.  Now I invited her out front and center, looked her square in the eye, and said “Okay, whatever’s here, whatever lessons you have for me, I’m ready to face with compassion and an open heart.”  And here’s what I learned: Shadow work is INTENSE!  (Side note: it’s going to be a major part of my upcoming group program)  It requires crazy amounts of courage and strength that I didn’t know I had until now.  I got to finally learn what it meant to approach this inner work in a feminine, receptive, compassionate, and supportive strength.  And then I realized something huge…this is what I’m meant to teach other women.  So many of us have forgotten how to use our intuition, how to trust ourselves, how to ask for what we want, how to be gentle even as we’re moving mountains.  We don’t remember how to go inside, connect with our wildness and tap into that age-old wisdom that has been passed down through generations of mothers to their daughters in order to heal ourselves.  We don’t realize that each of us have every answer inside of our soul.  We have insanely wise inner guides, angels, whatever you want to call them.  It’s a process of relearning how to listen, how to trust, and align our actions with that inner wisdom.

I’m so grateful for the teachers and the time I had in 2013 who showed me, often against my own resistance, that the only way I could teach women how to honor themselves was by doing the deep work with my own wild soul, by acting from my intuition, and by embodying the sensual, earthy, and receptive feminine.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s always more work to do, more to learn, more to uncover and love about ourselves.  And I believe in cycles, in the ebb and flow, so now it’s time to put this into practice.  To build the container that will allow me to bring this wisdom to my community of wild and graceful women in the form of lots of free content, group programs, and intensive one-on-one coaching.  I can’t wait to better serve all of you now that I’m fully serving myself.  Happiest of new years to all of you…

Shedding off one more layer of skin

As a dear friend reminded me the other day, we’re coming to the end of the year of the snake.  It’s been a year of incredible shedding, peeling back the layers of old stories, relationships, labels, beliefs, and assumptions I’ve held onto.  The past few weeks I’ve been in a slow, painful yet beautiful process of crawling out of my skin.  An old skin.  Like snakes do when they’ve outgrown that layer and it’s time to move on.

shedding layers

For a long time I thought I was meant to work with women struggling with eating disorders.  I even wrote a one-on-one coaching program for healing emotional eating.  I thought it was my calling, my mission.  All along there were lots of signs from the Universe telling me that it wasn’t.  That it was just one step along the way.  I realize now that it was a way to heal MYSELF.

And it was the easy way to respond to the much afeared question: “So Katie, what do you do?”  It was simple and sounded good to just say, “I help women struggling with eating disorders to heal their relationship with food.”  People understood that.  I didn’t have to explain myself or justify my place in life.

Each time I’d say that out loud I’d wonder, “Whose voice is it saying those words?  It certainly isn’t mine.”  It was a cop-out.  An easy answer that in no way encompassed my place in life or my truth.  The problem was I didn’t trust that when I was in alignment with myself, sitting still enough to listen, the people I was meant to work with would find me.  So I resisted what my heart kept telling me.  I stood on my soapbox and told everyone to listen to their gut.  That if they asked their Soul what he/she wanted and needed that they’d get their answers.  That their body would tell them what they needed.  That it’d be scary to trust themselves at first and that’s okay because courage was feeling that fear and doing it anyway.

And as one of my mentors says, we’re great at giving the advice and teaching what we ourselves need to learn.  So rather than sit, listen, trust, be gentle, and know that my soul had a plan, I questioned, ignored, blamed and shamed myself into speaking words that weren’t mine.  Into claiming a place in this world that wasn’t for me because it was easier than owning the work that I love to do and claiming my space.  Luckily, my inner guides had other plans and things began to fall apart so that I could let them go and trust that something bigger was coming.  That the work I had done around emotional eating was really for me, to heal my own scars and wounds.

Now comes the hard part.  The scary, messy, and ultimately beautiful part.  When I have to commit to myself, to my tribe, to the souls who have been on this journey with me from the beginning.  Now I commit to doing what I tell everyone else to do: to speak my truth, even and especially when it’s a bit terrifying.

The truth is, I want to go deeper.  I don’t want to tell women who are struggling with how to love themselves and to own their power that they need to eat.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s unbelievable value in that.  There are amazing souls whose work IS to support people to nourish themselves with real food.

And I want to peel back the next layer.  To go to those deeper, darker places of your soul, to read and listen to the story of your spirit.  Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes, “Like the Rosetta stone, for those who know how to read it, the body is a living record of life given, life taken, life hoped for, life healed.  It is valued for its articulate ability to register immediate reaction, to feel profoundly, to sense ahead.” I’m fascinated by the connection between the Soul and the physical body.  By the way our body manifests health and dis-eases of our deeper Self.  The way that our body holds, negotiates, and releases trauma.  And how my education through experience and more formal training have prepared me to hold space for people to explore and go through their process.

I’ve known this to be true for a long time, and it’s taken me until now to own this truth:  I’m here to heal through renegotiating trauma, through the power of myth and stories, through plants and the medicine of the earth.  I’m here to teach women to listen, speak, and feel.  To hold space for ritual and soul retrieval.  To go with you to the deepest self in order that your own spirit can heal your emotional and physical body, the connection between the two.  And to help women find happiness by being in alignment with their soul’s truth and loving themselves enough to ask for that much out of this life.  I work with archetypes, movement, your desires, and dreams.  Through the medicine of heartbreak and recovery.  And through holding sacred space for the Soul to come back home.

P.S.  Extra credit to anyone who can tell me what the title of this post is from…

XO