Category Archives: Truth

When self-love sucks (and you wanna crawl out of your skin)

People don’t believe me when I say that sometimes practicing self-love sucks.  But have you ever had one of those days when you just want to get the f*ck out?  Your mind might be racing.  And it’s not even that you can’t sit still, it’s that you don’t want to stop moving.  Because if you stop moving, you’ll have to feel all the shit you’ve been trying to run away from.  So you watch episode after episode of some TV series on Netflix.  (There are like 8 seasons of Charmed, FYI.)  Or you turn to food.  Or alcohol.  Shopping.  Sex.  Facebook.  Checking your email 8,000 times.

Recently, I’ve been going through A LOT of soul growth, and as a dear friend once told me, “Transformation is way less fun than I thought it would be.”  Truer words have never been uttered. Transformation is awesome, awful, painful, empowering, and it’ll tear you up and spit you out.  Sometimes (a lot of times) I don’t know what to do with all the emotions that come up around it.  I’m highly sensitive, as I know most of you are, which is a wonderful gift and can also feel like WAY TOO MUCH!

I also come from a long line of addicts, and let’s just say the gene definitely didn’t skip a generation. Sometimes it’s by sheer willpower that I don’t give in to my own addictive patterns and behaviors.  And sometimes I still do.  That’s okay.  Here are some things that work for me on those days when all I want to do is crawl out of my skin, escape, shut down, turn off and I know that I can’t because I’ve come too far.

1. Sit.  Just. Sit. Down. Take a breath. And then another. Feel your magnificent, beating heart. Feel that pain you’re in?  That’s a good sign.  Because that means you’re feeling.  And because pain is THE BEST WAY to heal, transform, shift, and make the changes in your life that you’ve been asking for.

2. Create.  Paint your heart out.  Make it messy.  Write a poem to your darkness.  Make jewelry.  Cook.  The process of creation transforms that manic, “I need to get out of my body” energy and channels it into objects and symbols.  That, my friend, is some serious magic.  (Side story: When I was in treatment one summer I channeled all of my energy into knitting.  Everyone got scarves that Christmas.)

3. Or destroy.  Part of creation is destruction.  So tear, rip, cut, smash.  I have a stack of old magazines reserved for the sole purpose of cutting up.

4.  Cry.  Loudly, quietly, slobbery sobs where you can’t catch your breath, or soft, silent tears that roll down your cheeks.  Whether it’s on your meditation cushion, your yoga mat, a friend’s shoulder, or falling apart on the tiled floor of your shower, that energy’s gotta go somewhere.  What’s that quote about salt water being the cure for everything…?

5.  Call someone.  This one comes with a caveat, though.  I have a lot of friends who are coaches, which is AWESOME!  But when I call them in a “just let me fall apart” moment, I don’t need to be coached.  I just need to be heard.  So either know in advance who can hold your space, or tell them, “Please just listen with compassion and don’t be offended if I use the f* word a lot.  I’m not yelling at you.”  Which brings me to my next point.

6. Ask for what you need.  Sometimes it’s a nap.  Sometimes it’s food.  Sometimes it’s quiet time, to crawl into our little cave and hibernate.  Maybe it’s a walk by yourself, or with your best friend.  When you ask for what you need from the people who love you, it makes us vulnerable, and thus humanizes us.  THAT opens up lots of room for love and compassion.

7. Get outside.  Nature is the most healing, restorative, high vibe place to be.  When I’m all up in my head, there’s a favorite tree I go to sit under, lean back onto, and let all that stuff melt into.  I literally imagine everything that feels too heavy, too much, too dark seeping down into the ground, and giving it up to the earth to be transformed.  Sound too woo-woo for you?  Just try it before you get all judge-y.

8. Trust.  I’m a firm believer that things happen for a reason.  Maybe it’s my inner optimist, but I refuse to believe in coincidences, in shitty things happening for no reason, in bad luck.  I believe our outer world is a reflection of our inner reality, and that we are responsible for the way we participate in life.  So trust that if you’re showing up, doing your best, and honoring your truth, things will play out the way they need to.  (Notice I didn’t say they’ll work out the way you ideally want them to.  At least not right away.)

If none of these work, that’s okay too.  It’s a lifelong practice to be able to sit with your feelings and feel them.  There’s no such thing as failure here.  If it doesn’t work out today, you’ll probably get another chance to practice tomorrow.  Keep showing up.

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Oil Changes, Financial Freedom + Self-Love

As many of you know, I’ve been on a journey lately to heal my relationship with money. I knew it was time to write this post because as I sat down to write it, I really didn’t want to. Resistance. It’s a beautiful and VERY anxiety-provoking teacher. As Steven Pressfield writes in The War of Art, “The more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That’s why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there’d be no Resistance.” So here I am, writing about something I NEVER thought I’d be writing about, self-love and money.

Another thing I resist? Doing anything related to car maintenance. I know it’s ridiculous. It’s a very grown up and responsible thing that we automobile owners need to do. And why do I avoid anything related to cars? Simple: it makes me feel stupid. Disempowered. Small. Totally out of my element. Transmission fluid? Air filters? Alignment? Yeah, no thanks.

But one of my Core Desired Feelings this month is “Empowered.” I want to feel empowered and independent around my life circumstances and my responsibilities, especially the ones I’ve previously avoided.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m SUPER independent! I left home when I was 18 and moved 3,000 miles away from my family, I like doing things myself (sometimes to a fault…delegation is not my strong suit), and I’m not afraid or uncomfortable going places and having a great time on my own. Solo road trip? Hell yea! Exploring new cities on my own? Totally!

So the other day I decided it was time to get my oil changed. (Actually the sticker in the top left corner of my windshield SAID it was time.) As I sat in the waiting room, biting my nails, feeling small and super awkward, I realized here was a perfect instance of a lack of self-love.

In a moment of perfect synchronicity, I was sitting there reading Kate Northrup’s book Money: A Love Story so it hit me…*cue facepalm*…

There’s another area of my life in which I’ve always felt disempowered: MONEY. Budgeting, financial planning, accounting, bookkeeping? Nope. Again, major resistance. I’ve been working SO MUCH to cultivate more self-love in my own life, teaching self-love to my clients, so here was my chance to practice getting into my body, listening to my heart, and begin healing this part of me that felt inadequate.

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The major pattern in ALL of this? Avoidance. Burying my head in the sand and *fingers crossed* hoping things would somehow just work themselves out. It’s worked thus far, right? Kind of. Mostly. Not so much. So here are the new practices I’m implementing with deep commitment and intention to cultivate a LOVING relationship with my money…

1. Checking my balance. Making it a part of my daily routine, a ritual, even a spiritual practice in mindfulness, gratitude, and intention behind my conscious, daily choices.
2. Feeling gratitude. Feeling abundant isn’t about the amount of money in your bank account. It’s about the way you FEEL about the money in your account. When I check my balance now, I see the work I love doing. The clients and students I love working with. The fact that I get to live a purposeful life AND make money doing it!
3. Notice what I spend my money on. Not to create guilt and shame, but to make sure my purchases are in alignment with my values. You’ve heard it before: We vote with our dollars! So why would I invest my money (and therefore my energy) into businesses that don’t feel good to support.

I wrote out these action steps as I waited for my car to be ready, then got into my car feeling lighter, more conscious, and EMPOWERED!

Intend to shine

Watch this video (it’s short) and then read on…

“I can do anything good!”

What would happen if we all said this to ourselves every day?  Awhile back, after much deep soul work and transformation, I realized I can actually do anything.  I can make stuff happen.  Manifestation, the ability to do anything “good” when we align heart, mind, and action.  That realization is POWERFUL!

We all have the power to create the life we want.  Usually that power is just hidden beneath layers of old beliefs, old patterns and stories that we hold on to because at one point in our life they served us.  But they don’t anymore, so it’s time to say “Thanks, Fear.  I know at one point you kept me safe and I appreciate it SO much.  I don’t need you anymore.”

This little girl, Jessica,

The thing about fear is that it allows us to play small.  It’s safe.  We don’t have to risk exposure, criticism, judgment, or getting knocked down.  And sometimes we need to get knocked down.  I know it doesn’t sound fun, but stick with me for a minute here.

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We all make mistakes.  In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I immediately regret this decision.”  Or as one of my lovely friends says, “Ya done fucked up.”

It irks me a little bit to hear new-agey people say, “there’s no such thing as a mistake.  It’s all a lesson.”  Yes it’s all a lesson.  We learn A LOT from messing up.  But mistakes do exist.  Failure exists.  But it’s not the end of the story.

If you’re doing big things in the world, if you’re in a state of personal growth and development (which, if we’re doing our work, then we are), your ego is gonna get checked.  You’ll have moments of arrogance, idiocy, thoughtlessness.  You’ll fall short of your own and someone else’s expectations.  Sometimes you’ll get criticism without necessarily “earning” it, but simply by speaking your truth.  But that’s another matter for another post.

Today, we’ll just acknowledge that mistakes happen.  So let’s feel empowered around our “epic fails” rather than shaming ourselves because of them.

Action Time: Think of a time you really screwed up.  Your “favorite” failure, and by favorite I mean the biggest bungle you’ve made.  What did you learn?  Get SUPER honest with yourself.  Don’t get sarcastic, mean, judgy, or defensive.  That doesn’t serve anyone and it puts up all kinds of walls that we’re working to tear down.  What did this snafu open your eyes to that you didn’t see/know/understand before?  How did this mistake make you stronger than before?

You can then take it one step further.  Is there a pattern in the lessons you’ve learned?  Perhaps it’s taken a few lapses in judgment to learn a particular lesson (I’ve totally been there).  As humans we seem to have a propensity toward making the same mistakes over and over.  And over.  We’ll get it eventually.

And that, my friend, is empowering.  That is Self-Love.  Own it.  Love it.  And then let it go.  Because as Danielle Laporte says, “You can’t face forward until you’ve processed your past.”  And because you can do anything good.  Intend to shine.

Happy Un-Valentine’s Day

Okay, I’m finally (sort of) giving in to the Valentine’s Day madness, though of course in my own typically rebellious fashion.  And I’m not writing this because Friday is Valentine’s Day, but for whatever reason, when I sat down to write this week, this is what came up…

Recently I’ve embarked on a new journey with a beautiful tribe called the Totemic Arts Apprenticeship in which we learn about our personal animal totems, how they correspond with the chakras, archetypes, zodiac signs, and numerology, and what this means for our own healing process, our businesses, lives, and those of our clients.  I’ve been exploring my relationships with my known animal totems (wolf and snowy owl) and how the wisdom and medicine they bring to us can empower our lives and bring clarity to obstacles we love to put in our own way.  There’s lots of fun research and intellectual headiness that the nerd in me LOVES, but throughout the program there’s lots of opportunity for play, art, creativity, collaboration, and receiving support and love from the tribe.

It all sounds great, right?

And it is!

snowy owl flying

AND THEN alllllll your shit comes up.  Stuff you haven’t dealt with, looked at, sat with, or even acknowledged because it’s dark and scary and ugly.  And who wants to feel those ugly emotions and see what kind of shadows are lurking underneath that lovely, mostly put together exterior that we put up?  Not me.

wolf - red

But the thing is, your soul doesn’t give you anything you’re not ready for.  So when things started stirring, I knew it was time.  And I’ll just tell you now, the last couple weeks have been SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  Like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  Old, small, invisible Katie would have bailed in a second.  But I’ve been preparing for this.  I’ve been feeling a major shift coming for the last year, and here it was.  And you know what it was that triggered me so badly? My inner Lover archetype.  The one I had been ignoring most of my adult life.  The one who is terrified of being unloved and unlovable.  The one who, at times, has lost her identity in order to please others.  The one who is afraid of being alone or in relationships devoid of intimacy.  Whose shadow consists of jealousy, attachment, and fear of being undesirable.  Even now as I write that I wince ever so slightly.  But there it is.  Truth laid bare.

red lady wings

So I sat.  I cried.  I fell apart completely, not knowing how the pieces would fit together again.  I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.  Totally burnt out.  Like too tired to speak.  I spent a whole day hibernating, listening to Tom Waits and Nick Cave (yeah, it got dark) and drawing, getting to know this Lover with her medicine of passion, sensuality, creativity, and desire, while acknowledging and forgiving the shadow side that has occasionally made herself known.

Now I’m beginning to come out the other side and I feel as if I reclaimed my power, self-love, sharp instincts, and a piece of my wild soul.  And the message I got from deeply listening to this part of my soul is this:

Love isn’t “nice.”  It isn’t all pink hearts and chocolate and roses.  It’s gutsy, uncomfortable, gritty, and isn’t afraid to reflect to us where we need to work on ourselves.  Love itself can feel like heartbreak.  Like struggle.  Like we’re stepping off the edge of a cliff and have no idea what’s going to catch us.

openness

And the same can be said of Self-Love…maybe even more so.  Because that’s where it begins.  How can we truly love another if we don’t have the foundation of love for ourselves?  How can we show up for someone else if we’re constantly abandoning our own heart?  We gain the confidence and ability to love ourselves when we have the courage to softly open our hearts when we’re scared shitless, speak our truth, honor our process, and let down our walls.  And that’s what Love for another is too.

Let’s not just honor each other one day a year.  Seriously.  Happy Un-Valentine’s Day (aka every other day of the year)!

Keep the channel open

lady pantherI’ve been having some deep conversations lately with sisters, fellow artists, therapists, and visionaries in all capacities about taking that next step.  From being on your spiritual path, doing trainings, certifications, seeing clients, teaching classes, showing up day to day, to then stepping into this new, unknown, and completely terrifying place that has been chosen by your soul.  You know that everything up until now has been leading to this moment in time.  All the transformation, all the dark, mucky, sludgy, messy, chaos and shitstorms that you’ve been weathering have led you here.  And now ALL you have to do is open, receive, and allow your soul’s work to come through you.  So you freeze.

Instead of working on a class or lecture you’re putting together, you binge watch some crappy show on Netflix.  Rather than make those teacup succulent gardens you’re brilliant at, you let yourself get lost in the endless household chores.  You take low-paying (or maybe even high-paying) jobs so that you’re too busy to write that AMAZING coaching program you’ve been wanting to launch *sheepishly raising my hand*.  Maybe it’s something more shameful to you like using alcohol, drugs, food, or sex to fill that creative void or distract yourself from what you know in your heart you have this burning desire to fulfill, write, paint, create.

So, I’m calling bullshit.  And I’m doing this mainly because this is EXACTLY where I’ve been hiding out.  I’ve been holding back for one very simple reason: fear.  I’m afraid that it won’t come out right, that no one will be pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down.  That I’ll essentially be failing the Universe at the task that’s been set for me.  The path that my own soul chose.  What if I just suck at it?  What if I fail?  What if I put my whole heart into something, make my voice heard, show up as big and as powerfully as I can, and all I hear is crickets?

It took a major surrendering, totally letting go of what I thought my ego wanted to do (because it was easy) and realizing my authentic self, my wild soul, is here to do something.  A big something.  Yesterday, I got to receive a bodywork session from a woman I’m lucky enough to call a friend, sister, and teacher.  I got to go into the deepest, darkest recesses of my soul to listen.  I had finally reached the place where I could say, “I have no f*cking clue what I’m supposed to do with any of this.  Why is all of this happening?  What piece am I missing?  Please help!”  I was ready to be open and hear whatever needed to come up.

At the end of the session, before I opened my eyes, before I had a conscious thought, I heard a voice say, “Something big is coming.”  And it felt light.  Powerful and light.  As if my guides were saying all I have to do is say yes to this, to stop standing in my own way, and it’s coming.  Actually, it’s already done.  I just have to write it.

In reflecting on this intensely beautiful session and on the subsequent conversation with my friend after, I remembered this quote from Martha Graham:

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you and into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is: Nor how valuable it is; Nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is ever pleased, there is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine satisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

So I’m putting my voice out there in a HUGE way.  I’m bending some of the marketing rules, completely breaking other ones, but sometimes you gotta break the rules for the sake of creation, transformation, and showing up as a leader.  And if my message and my unique gift to teach is that of self-love and honoring the wildness of your soul, one that is desperately needed by so many women (and men) in our society, then I need to get over my hang-up’s about being “good enough” and let it flow through me.

And now for some serious truth-telling

A lot of people ask how I began my recovery from my eating disorder(s).  What was it that finally broke through the walls I had built up.  What was the thing that finally helped me to WANT to feed myself.  How did I recover?  People want to hear that it was one particular moment, that the light bulb went off, that I finally realized there was more to life than weight and food, blah blah blah…

Here’s the truth, and it may surprise some, anger a few, and make total sense to others.

I didn’t.  There was no light bulb.  There wasn’t a decisive moment when I had had enough.  There were many of those moments, and they would last anywhere from a few days to a couple years.  And then there would be a trigger, an event, a stressful couple months, a major (or minor) shift, and I would be sent spiraling back.  Only each time was a little worse because everyone expected me to be “better”, “recovered”, “over it”.   The shame and guilt over my behaviors, the fact that I was slowly ripping my body apart, was worse than I could bear, and so to alleviate that pain, I’d sink deeper.

story we will never tell

I did a pretty okay job of covering up this intense shame and self-loathing by soaking up all the knowledge I could about health, yoga, meditation, spirituality in general, healing work, bodywork, emotional holding, Ayurveda, herbalism from multiple traditions, Chinese Medicine, how to heal trauma, nutritional theory, shamanism, tarot, anything I could get my hands on.  I learned how to eat really healthy.  I’m now one of the most educated 27 year olds I know, and all that is simply a compensation, a distraction from dealing with the fact that I still had no idea how to nourish my Self.  I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting with myself long enough to hear the answers that my soul had for me.

And then for the greatest cover-up of them all, I decided to coach OTHER women with eating disorders, because if I couldn’t fix myself, maybe I could fix them and then my own struggle would be justified.  And that’s when it all started to crack and crumble.  My soul was speaking to me through the eating disorder, telling me it was time for transformation, for letting go.  My body was beginning to feel the (quite frankly) terrifying effects of years of starving and purging.  Before I could do anything I needed to heal my body and my heart.  To give myself the space, let myself be seen in the most vulnerable way.  Everything about it felt raw, exposed, torn open.  It was time to learn the lesson of asking for what I want and need.

And I did.  And my community has risen up more than I could have ever imagined to offer support, space, guidance, words, and witness.  And no judgment whatsoever.

circle

So here I am now, bearing all my scars, all my shame, my pain, anger, grief, everything I’d been working SO hard to conceal for fear of your judgment.  Now that I have nothing left to hide, I can begin the real work to connect with a deep love for myself not because of my imperfections and battles, but because I Am.  Because all of us have the right to love and be loved simply by being born into this world.  We don’t need to earn love.  We ARE love.  And so begins the heroine’s journey…

heroine's journey

Why I don’t have New Years Resolutions and what I do instead…

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Maybe I just don’t like doing what everyone else is doing. My inner rebel likes to do things differently. Maybe it’s because I know myself well enough to know that when I’ve had NY resolutions in the past, they last for about a week. Maybe my resistance to New Years resolutions is something I should look at. Whatever the reason, since I was young I just decided that I don’t do resolutions. To me, it can feel like we’re telling ourselves, “you’re not quite good enough the way you are, so these are the things we’re going to work on changing this year.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for growth and development. It’s just that resolutions typically sound like a list of things that we’d like to change about ourselves.

Jeff Brown, author of Soulshaping, posted this beautiful quote today:

“Sometimes we forget how far we have traveled. Good to acknowledge what it took to get this far, all those hoops we had to jump through, all those difficult overcomings. Good to stroke our face with love and remind ourselves how much courage it took to brave the journey. Good to say ‘thank you’ to the spirit that walks within and beside us, reminding us that we are simply and utterly worth fighting for.”

This is what the new year is about to me. It’s about looking at this last year, and 2013 was a doozy for me, and telling myself “Damn! Look at all the amazing things I did and learned!! How lucky am I to have received this love, these lessons, and to have been in communion with such beautiful souls. How can I expand on this moving forward and how do I want to FEEL as I do?” Because it’s not about getting things done or losing that weight or reaching a goal. It’s about EVERYTHING that happens through the process. It’s about the way you feel in the moment and what that’s reflecting about your soul and your journey.

I’ve noticed we have some resistance, consciously or subconsciously, to feeling at ease, in our flow, and allowing things to happen without pushing. We like to MAKE things happen. We RESOLVE that things should be a certain way, so we’re going to do whatever we need to do to get that outcome. That we need to be busy, to be working, to always be doing better (whatever that means). This year has taught me that all that is SO overrated. When we’re in our flow, letting things take their course, moving and acting from the way we want to feel in our lives…THAT’S when the magic happens. That’s when our soul and our vision can move through us and things can be seemingly effortless. Don’t get me wrong, it takes effort to show up, to do our own work, to be present. But when we make that effort, the Universe/God/Goddess/etc. conspires and synchronizes to bring to us exactly what is needed.

So instead of resolutions this year, I’m taking time to reflect on what I want to FEEL more of this coming year. I’m inspired by one of my mentors, Danielle Laporte, to think about what my Core Desired Feelings this year/month/week/day are, and what can I do in order to feel those CDF’s.

This year I want to feel In Communion, Abundant, Playful, Flowing, Expressive, Sensual, Free. What are your Core Desired Feelings? How do you intend to grow, expand, allow, and show up in 2014?

There is no such thing as a toxic relationship

ovid

Let’s face it…we’ve all had at least one relationship (and probably a lot more than one) that we’ve labeled as “toxic”, “unhealthy”, “codependent”, “draining”, etc.  It makes us feel better to be able to label it something so that we can push it away, leave it behind, or some how properly deal with it.  We break up with toxic boyfriends/girlfriends, we can move out of codependent family situations, and not hang out with friends that we deem as energetically draining.  But when we simply leave it behind because it doesn’t feel good, we fail to grow.  And when we fail to grow, we repeat the SAME patterns OVER AND OVER AGAIN…

So here’s a little bit of truth that I’ve picked up after spending my entire life judging and labeling my relationships…

No one is sent to me by accident.  I have something to learn from everyone I am in relationship with, whether it’s a partner, friend, family member, student, boss, or coworker.  If we see that people are all lessons, there’s no more need to label good, bad, healthy, unhealthy/toxic, functional, dysfunctional, codependent, etc.  They all serve a purpose.  Our souls call in the people, the teachers, and the lessons we’re ready for.

When we call a relationship or a person “toxic”, it creates shame and guilt around seeing that relationship as a “mistake.”  We judge them and ourselves instead of really seeing the truth about experience as it is.  They’re on their path and so are we.  We attract the people for which we need the lesson and the lesson is never “good” or “bad”.  It just is.  And it’s always necessary.  It’s always exactly what we need in that time.  All those lessons, or experiences, whether big or small, fun or not so fun (and let’s be honest, not too many of them feel good or fun at the time) make up our life’s curriculum.  And what we do with that completely depends on us.

Do you see how none of that is about the other person?  How it’s ALL an inside job?  Do you see how we have all the power the moment we decide to stop judging, labeling, and shaming ourselves and others and just start seeing what is?  What’s here for us in this very moment?  That it’s all so perfect, so divine, that it couldn’t possibly be any other way?  Of course this is all a process, it takes practice to not judge and really SEE.  Just be gentle with yourself and watch what happens.

In my wildest dreams…Part 1

dream catcher

I’ve been working lately on dreaming more.   Dreaming, envisioning, desiring.  I used to be really afraid of wanting something whether it was a thing, a feeling, a person, an outcome, because I was afraid of how I’d feel if I didn’t get it.  If I don’t acknowledge and feed them, though, none of them will come true.  And the thing about dreams is, the more we open to them, the more vulnerable to them we become, the more the Universe conspires to help you in your vision.  In the words of Joseph Campbell, when you “follow your bliss…you will begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you.”

I dream of long walks in shaded woods, of medicine-making, of magic.  I dream of Ireland and Paris.  Of sitting around a fire with my soul sisters who inspire, hold, and bless me with their presence in my life.  I dream of laughing until I cry.  Of time to write, paint, dance, and BE in my body every day.  I dream of holding space for healing, speaking my truth, and supporting dreams of others on their own paths.  Curling up with a book.  Of creation, compassion, softness, and ease.  Living in a beautiful place with enough land to have gardens stretching off into the forest.  And a dog that looks like a wolf.

When I first wrote down my dreams and looked at my list, I was shocked.  Staring back at me was this beautiful piece of my soul.  I saw myself so clearly in those words, in my dreams.  This short paragraph was so much more vibrant and full of life than anything I had ever written or even allowed myself to see, to recognize about myself.  And so wonderfully feminine.  Reading over my dreams sets my soul on fire and makes me feel like I’m finally taking up the BIG space I have in this world.  I hear a voice saying, “There she is!”

There’s always more work to do, our journey never ends, but in this moment there’s a stillpoint.  It’s the end of an exhale, a pause before the next breath.  And I’m so grateful for the fight, the pain, the heartache, traumas, stories, teachers, and shadow teachers that have been a part of this journey so far.

Some of these dreams will be realized, and some of them won’t.  Some of them will have to die, and that’s okay.  Sometimes we need to let go of old dreams to make space for new ones.

What do you dream of?