I have gone a’bone gathering…

Dearest souls,

I wanted to share a poem with you this week that echoes my own journey, and I imagine the one I share with many of you as well. Especially, the past few weeks, I’ve been coming back to it a lot as a sort of anthem. If you find Shiloh Sophia’s work as inspiring as I do, please check out her website.

Bone Gathering

Returning to one’s self
after a long voyage into the
desert is the work all beings
must do one day.
The day will come when
the absence of the missing bones
and the pieces of your heart
that you left on the highway to die
after too many mornings waking up
alone, in body or spirit or both,
will require you to return.
For this sacred work,
a map for returning will
be provided, so you can find
the missing persons reports.
This map is not in a language
you will understand. Are you surprised?
With each stop on the quest
there may be a sitting-down-hard
head-in-hands-wondering-why
and even despair you thought
you had gone beyond.
Grief and wonder are the
companions you will find
because they are also the way
through the hard to see places.
Give in to them. You will be okay.
I wish I could say it
could be easier than this.
Hiding, cutting, dismembering
ourselves wasn’t so easy, was it?
We did it to survive, we thought,
and we wrapped up the bloodied
limbs and continued on,
almost soldier-like in our sacrifice
of ourselves. Never mind the blood-loss
of not being ourselves.
Never mind not even knowing what song
belongs to our mouth and
what movement our body
loves the most.
How did we go on this way?
All that is done now.
No more, we say,
and that is how we found ourselves here.
This excavation requires
specialized tools,
if it didn’t
bone gathering
would have started long before now.
Yes I know you have already started.
I can see that in your tender eyes.
Don’t worry, yes it is scary at first.
The tools are intact for excavation
and user friendly,
you will find they fit your palm just so.
The stranger within you
knows how to use each one.
She was the one yelling at you before,
to listen listen listen inside the soul cave,
but now that you have listened to her,
she will be the one to help you see in the dark.
This is the one we call the Muse.
Visionary bones are made of stardust
and glow in the darkness.
Come.
You will find them. You have to.
I need you to.
We need you to find them.
I have gone a’ bone gathering
and I found this poem here in the wet earth
and brought it to you.
Dust off the mud and muck
and you find words dry enough
to light your spark.

-Shiloh Sophia

When self-love sucks (and you wanna crawl out of your skin)

People don’t believe me when I say that sometimes practicing self-love sucks.  But have you ever had one of those days when you just want to get the f*ck out?  Your mind might be racing.  And it’s not even that you can’t sit still, it’s that you don’t want to stop moving.  Because if you stop moving, you’ll have to feel all the shit you’ve been trying to run away from.  So you watch episode after episode of some TV series on Netflix.  (There are like 8 seasons of Charmed, FYI.)  Or you turn to food.  Or alcohol.  Shopping.  Sex.  Facebook.  Checking your email 8,000 times.

Recently, I’ve been going through A LOT of soul growth, and as a dear friend once told me, “Transformation is way less fun than I thought it would be.”  Truer words have never been uttered. Transformation is awesome, awful, painful, empowering, and it’ll tear you up and spit you out.  Sometimes (a lot of times) I don’t know what to do with all the emotions that come up around it.  I’m highly sensitive, as I know most of you are, which is a wonderful gift and can also feel like WAY TOO MUCH!

I also come from a long line of addicts, and let’s just say the gene definitely didn’t skip a generation. Sometimes it’s by sheer willpower that I don’t give in to my own addictive patterns and behaviors.  And sometimes I still do.  That’s okay.  Here are some things that work for me on those days when all I want to do is crawl out of my skin, escape, shut down, turn off and I know that I can’t because I’ve come too far.

1. Sit.  Just. Sit. Down. Take a breath. And then another. Feel your magnificent, beating heart. Feel that pain you’re in?  That’s a good sign.  Because that means you’re feeling.  And because pain is THE BEST WAY to heal, transform, shift, and make the changes in your life that you’ve been asking for.

2. Create.  Paint your heart out.  Make it messy.  Write a poem to your darkness.  Make jewelry.  Cook.  The process of creation transforms that manic, “I need to get out of my body” energy and channels it into objects and symbols.  That, my friend, is some serious magic.  (Side story: When I was in treatment one summer I channeled all of my energy into knitting.  Everyone got scarves that Christmas.)

3. Or destroy.  Part of creation is destruction.  So tear, rip, cut, smash.  I have a stack of old magazines reserved for the sole purpose of cutting up.

4.  Cry.  Loudly, quietly, slobbery sobs where you can’t catch your breath, or soft, silent tears that roll down your cheeks.  Whether it’s on your meditation cushion, your yoga mat, a friend’s shoulder, or falling apart on the tiled floor of your shower, that energy’s gotta go somewhere.  What’s that quote about salt water being the cure for everything…?

5.  Call someone.  This one comes with a caveat, though.  I have a lot of friends who are coaches, which is AWESOME!  But when I call them in a “just let me fall apart” moment, I don’t need to be coached.  I just need to be heard.  So either know in advance who can hold your space, or tell them, “Please just listen with compassion and don’t be offended if I use the f* word a lot.  I’m not yelling at you.”  Which brings me to my next point.

6. Ask for what you need.  Sometimes it’s a nap.  Sometimes it’s food.  Sometimes it’s quiet time, to crawl into our little cave and hibernate.  Maybe it’s a walk by yourself, or with your best friend.  When you ask for what you need from the people who love you, it makes us vulnerable, and thus humanizes us.  THAT opens up lots of room for love and compassion.

7. Get outside.  Nature is the most healing, restorative, high vibe place to be.  When I’m all up in my head, there’s a favorite tree I go to sit under, lean back onto, and let all that stuff melt into.  I literally imagine everything that feels too heavy, too much, too dark seeping down into the ground, and giving it up to the earth to be transformed.  Sound too woo-woo for you?  Just try it before you get all judge-y.

8. Trust.  I’m a firm believer that things happen for a reason.  Maybe it’s my inner optimist, but I refuse to believe in coincidences, in shitty things happening for no reason, in bad luck.  I believe our outer world is a reflection of our inner reality, and that we are responsible for the way we participate in life.  So trust that if you’re showing up, doing your best, and honoring your truth, things will play out the way they need to.  (Notice I didn’t say they’ll work out the way you ideally want them to.  At least not right away.)

If none of these work, that’s okay too.  It’s a lifelong practice to be able to sit with your feelings and feel them.  There’s no such thing as failure here.  If it doesn’t work out today, you’ll probably get another chance to practice tomorrow.  Keep showing up.

You can stop asking for permission

Some time between two and three years old, one day as I was strolling through a park with my mom  and some friends, I was attacked by a gigantic blue peacock.  No worries, there was no blood drawn.  No mutilation occured.  I think my mom was more scared than I was.  All I remember is a flurry of brilliant blue feathers in my face and feeling the strong peacock feet pushing into my chest.  Somewhere in a faint memory I recall everyone else freaking out and wondering if I should be doing the same.

In many native cultures, a shaman-in-training will be led into the forest/wilderness to confront their spirit animal.  If they survive, they’ve passed a major test toward becoming a medicine/warrior shaman.  If they don’t, well, they don’t.

peacock

Back to my peacock…

For awhile now, I’ve been studying totemic arts with this incredible tribe, meeting my spirit animals, healing archetypal wounds, and rediscovering hidden parts of myself.  This work has taken me to the deepest places of my heart, guiding me to reclaim lost parts of my soul, and helped me to see huge reservoirs of untapped power within.  I’ve been practicing extensively how to listen to and follow my inner guides to meet my animal totems and receive the wisdom and medicine they have to offer.

Often, an experience such as the one I had with a peacock can be a sign that animal is one of our totems.  When Emelie first suggested peacock as a potential totem, I had MAJOR resistance.  Of course resistance (or a strong emotional reaction) to an animal is another sign that animal is one of our totems.

So I started researching peacock medicine.  Looking into their behavior, patterns, habits, colorings, mythology.  As soon as I opened to this incredible animal I noticed their imagery was ALL OVER my Pinterest boards, articles and photos I had cut out of magazines, long-forgotten books on my shelves, jewelry, etc.

From my research I realized peacock totems are both rare and incredibly powerful medicine.  That they’ve been associated with mysticism, greater vision, immortality.  Like the mythological phoenix, the peacock represents the rising from ashes of that which is ready to be released and sacrificed.

BCard-Peacock

And then a NEW kind of resistance came up, and that voice came in saying, “You’re not good enough for this animal.”  “It’s just your ego that wants to have this totem.”  “What makes you think you’re special, good, powerful enough to see any of this in yourself?”  Not only was I afraid of claiming to reflect any part of this rare and beautiful bird, it made me incredibly uncomfortable to think I could contain any of that symbolism within my soul.  It makes me squirm even now as I write about it.

And then I realized: Here’s the shadow side of peacock medicine.  Staying small.  Believing I have too much darkness inside to heal and resurrect those parts of my soul that have been torn.  Afraid of proudly displaying my vivid colors, appearing arrogant or egotistical.  Feeling shame around being SEEN and told that I’m too much.  Scared of my own magnetism and beauty.  Unworthy.  Sound familiar to anyone else?

I briefly stepped back into my small self, looking to have someone outside of me validate me and give me permission to own my peacock self.  To tell me that it was okay to show off my colors, to shine, to stand out and accept the power and magic that peacock medicine has to offer.  I watched myself look for that external validation, realize that’s what I was doing and that ALL of my totems thus far have brought the medicine of deep listening and intuition, reflecting to me that I already have all of the answers within me.  Peacock was now showing up to help me own my power, my voice, and to show off my colors.  To show me that the magnetism I was afraid of was actually a HUGE ally for me!

peacock goddess

So now, even as I feel that resistance STILL, I say to myself, “Katie, just own it.”  I’m done with the “not enough” the “unworthy” the “I’m too much for people so I’ll just shut up, sit down, become invisible.”  I’m done with invisible.  I’m done with seeking permission to shine.  I’m listening and honoring my soul’s voice and wisdom.  And I’m ever-grateful to my shadow for teaching me where there’s room for growth.  Where the cracks appear.

Oil Changes, Financial Freedom + Self-Love

As many of you know, I’ve been on a journey lately to heal my relationship with money. I knew it was time to write this post because as I sat down to write it, I really didn’t want to. Resistance. It’s a beautiful and VERY anxiety-provoking teacher. As Steven Pressfield writes in The War of Art, “The more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That’s why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there’d be no Resistance.” So here I am, writing about something I NEVER thought I’d be writing about, self-love and money.

Another thing I resist? Doing anything related to car maintenance. I know it’s ridiculous. It’s a very grown up and responsible thing that we automobile owners need to do. And why do I avoid anything related to cars? Simple: it makes me feel stupid. Disempowered. Small. Totally out of my element. Transmission fluid? Air filters? Alignment? Yeah, no thanks.

But one of my Core Desired Feelings this month is “Empowered.” I want to feel empowered and independent around my life circumstances and my responsibilities, especially the ones I’ve previously avoided.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m SUPER independent! I left home when I was 18 and moved 3,000 miles away from my family, I like doing things myself (sometimes to a fault…delegation is not my strong suit), and I’m not afraid or uncomfortable going places and having a great time on my own. Solo road trip? Hell yea! Exploring new cities on my own? Totally!

So the other day I decided it was time to get my oil changed. (Actually the sticker in the top left corner of my windshield SAID it was time.) As I sat in the waiting room, biting my nails, feeling small and super awkward, I realized here was a perfect instance of a lack of self-love.

In a moment of perfect synchronicity, I was sitting there reading Kate Northrup’s book Money: A Love Story so it hit me…*cue facepalm*…

There’s another area of my life in which I’ve always felt disempowered: MONEY. Budgeting, financial planning, accounting, bookkeeping? Nope. Again, major resistance. I’ve been working SO MUCH to cultivate more self-love in my own life, teaching self-love to my clients, so here was my chance to practice getting into my body, listening to my heart, and begin healing this part of me that felt inadequate.

image

The major pattern in ALL of this? Avoidance. Burying my head in the sand and *fingers crossed* hoping things would somehow just work themselves out. It’s worked thus far, right? Kind of. Mostly. Not so much. So here are the new practices I’m implementing with deep commitment and intention to cultivate a LOVING relationship with my money…

1. Checking my balance. Making it a part of my daily routine, a ritual, even a spiritual practice in mindfulness, gratitude, and intention behind my conscious, daily choices.
2. Feeling gratitude. Feeling abundant isn’t about the amount of money in your bank account. It’s about the way you FEEL about the money in your account. When I check my balance now, I see the work I love doing. The clients and students I love working with. The fact that I get to live a purposeful life AND make money doing it!
3. Notice what I spend my money on. Not to create guilt and shame, but to make sure my purchases are in alignment with my values. You’ve heard it before: We vote with our dollars! So why would I invest my money (and therefore my energy) into businesses that don’t feel good to support.

I wrote out these action steps as I waited for my car to be ready, then got into my car feeling lighter, more conscious, and EMPOWERED!

Intend to shine

Watch this video (it’s short) and then read on…

“I can do anything good!”

What would happen if we all said this to ourselves every day?  Awhile back, after much deep soul work and transformation, I realized I can actually do anything.  I can make stuff happen.  Manifestation, the ability to do anything “good” when we align heart, mind, and action.  That realization is POWERFUL!

We all have the power to create the life we want.  Usually that power is just hidden beneath layers of old beliefs, old patterns and stories that we hold on to because at one point in our life they served us.  But they don’t anymore, so it’s time to say “Thanks, Fear.  I know at one point you kept me safe and I appreciate it SO much.  I don’t need you anymore.”

This little girl, Jessica,

The thing about fear is that it allows us to play small.  It’s safe.  We don’t have to risk exposure, criticism, judgment, or getting knocked down.  And sometimes we need to get knocked down.  I know it doesn’t sound fun, but stick with me for a minute here.

immediately-regret-this-decision

We all make mistakes.  In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I immediately regret this decision.”  Or as one of my lovely friends says, “Ya done fucked up.”

It irks me a little bit to hear new-agey people say, “there’s no such thing as a mistake.  It’s all a lesson.”  Yes it’s all a lesson.  We learn A LOT from messing up.  But mistakes do exist.  Failure exists.  But it’s not the end of the story.

If you’re doing big things in the world, if you’re in a state of personal growth and development (which, if we’re doing our work, then we are), your ego is gonna get checked.  You’ll have moments of arrogance, idiocy, thoughtlessness.  You’ll fall short of your own and someone else’s expectations.  Sometimes you’ll get criticism without necessarily “earning” it, but simply by speaking your truth.  But that’s another matter for another post.

Today, we’ll just acknowledge that mistakes happen.  So let’s feel empowered around our “epic fails” rather than shaming ourselves because of them.

Action Time: Think of a time you really screwed up.  Your “favorite” failure, and by favorite I mean the biggest bungle you’ve made.  What did you learn?  Get SUPER honest with yourself.  Don’t get sarcastic, mean, judgy, or defensive.  That doesn’t serve anyone and it puts up all kinds of walls that we’re working to tear down.  What did this snafu open your eyes to that you didn’t see/know/understand before?  How did this mistake make you stronger than before?

You can then take it one step further.  Is there a pattern in the lessons you’ve learned?  Perhaps it’s taken a few lapses in judgment to learn a particular lesson (I’ve totally been there).  As humans we seem to have a propensity toward making the same mistakes over and over.  And over.  We’ll get it eventually.

And that, my friend, is empowering.  That is Self-Love.  Own it.  Love it.  And then let it go.  Because as Danielle Laporte says, “You can’t face forward until you’ve processed your past.”  And because you can do anything good.  Intend to shine.

Plant Totem: Hawthorn, Fae Tree of Heart + Transformation

For a good while now, I’ve been considering how to work with plants just as some coaches/practitioners work with animals.  As spirit totems.  Teaching how to work with plants not to only heal us physically, but also spiritually, emotionally, and energetically.  Understanding what they have to teach us in terms of our relationships, career, life circumstances, money, and most importantly, how to form better connections with ourselves, other people, and with the earth.

hawthorn-tree-12

Lots of herbalists out there write beautiful and well-researched pieces on materia medica of western herbalism, herbal energetics, and the medicinal and therapeutic actions of herbs.  However, I think the deepest healing occurs when we form our own relationship with the plant and learn to work with the medicine it has for us individually.  This is the story of my own journey with Hawthorn, one of my foundational plant totems.

Traditionally viewed as a heart tonic, Hawthorn reminds us to be patient with ourselves, slow down, and give our heart space to breathe, be still, and speak his or her truth.  Though its prickly thorns protect the heart from outside assault, that very protection is what allows it to be such a nurturing and calming spirit.  It provides sacred boundaries and a soft space to rest in times of heartbreak, grief, or when the energetic heart needs a rest.

hawthorn thorn
Thorns of a Hawthorn tree

For the past few years, I’ve been working and learning to listen closely to the whispers (or sometimes shouts) from my heart.  Establishing boundaries, softening, opening, protecting, clearing, and filling up my heart with the things she desires, yearns for, and guides me toward.  It’s been the hardest thing I’ve done so far because so often my ego wants to take over with the shoulds, the have-to’s, feelings of anger, guilt, and most of the time, fear.  Hawthorn came to me soon after my heart got cracked open during part of my Visionary Craniosacral training that I learned to work with the four-chambered heart (another shamanic concept that I’ll write more on later).  The lessons Hawthorn taught me allowed me to integrate the wisdom of my heart and of love itself, sometimes gracefully sometimes not so much.

Artwork by Ruby Clark
Ogham Artwork by Ruby Clark

Hawthorn is known for its associations with magic, witches, and fairies.  As Darcey Blue writes, Hawthorn’s “rank smelling flowers and thorns and association with spirit worlds make Hawthorn a tree of ‘death’ and transformation, and also of protection and caution.”  Death here, to me, doesn’t mean literal death, but rather a shedding, releasing, letting die that which no longer serves us.  The archetypal theme of life/death/rebirth.

A key element of transformation, of alchemy of the soul is in the allowing of what needs to die in order for the rebirth parts of our self.  It’s the Death card of the Tarot: learning how to detach and release, cutting through old patterns that bind us so that we can give birth to new forms and previously unexpressed parts of ourselves.

Death card from the Thoth Tarot

One of my favorite things about Hawthorn is the magical obstacles it presents to us at just the right moment.  It reflects to us the exact lesson we need at the exact moment in life that we need it.  Synchronicity at its finest.  Somehow she knows what we’re ready for, what our next lesson needs to be on our path in order for us to meet our purpose.  Hawthorn will “guard you as it teaches you – sometimes strongly, sometimes gently – but always with love.”

Wild Self-Love: A journey from Starvation to Soul

wolf woman

Dearest Wild Ones,

You remember a couple months ago when I created Shameless Self-Love, my 30-day video campaign to cultivate and encourage a deeper, healthier and more meaningful relationship with our bodies and souls?  Each day, for 30 days straight, I made a video with tips, quotes, tidbits of wisdom, stories and journaling prompts to begin softening our hearts toward ourselves, and to learn how to wildly LOVE our own souls (here’s one of my favorites: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLwWnaSgjmo).

Of course those videos were a way to offer some of my work to you all, to get my voice out there in a big way, and to share the wisdom I’ve gleaned from my own mentors.  But another major part of my reason for creating those videos was for myself.  To get clearer on my message, my truth, what I wanted to share and teach with my clients, and to distill what was the essence of Wild Grace.  To get clear on what I feel my soul’s purpose and message is to the world.

And the response to those videos from you all was AH-MAZING!  I heard from people all over the world who had seen my videos on YouTube, Facebook, and Pinterest, and who wanted to reach out to say how badly we all need the reminder not only to love ourselves, but how to heal those wounds that prevent us from doing so.  I got such incredible feedback and so many equally inspiring questions, that I decided to write a program based on the video series, only now we’re diving much, much deeper.  I’ve been exploring how to use self-love coaching, energy work, animal totems, shamanic ritual, plant medicine, chakra work, visionary and craniosacral therapy in order to heal trauma, addiction, depression, anxiety, and other stuck patterns of behavior and beliefs.  All of this work has effectively led to creating my own life coaching methodology that I CANNOT wait to share with you!

After months of writing, researching, rewriting, scrapping, and starting over, I’m officially (but unofficially) launching Wild Self-Love, a 3 month, one-on-one program to reconnect to your Wild Soul and fall madly in love with your Self with passion and grace.  I say “unofficially” because it’s not even on my website yet.  It is brand, spankin’ new.  And since you’re already on my list, I’m offering it to you, my incredible tribe, FIRST and at a special price…

What happens when you cultivate more self-love and connect with your Wild Soul?

  • You attract better, healthier, happier, and more whole relationships, both romantically and otherwise (i.e. you have amazing friends!!)
  • You manifest abundance in your life, whether it’s literal financial abundance, more satisfying life experiences, or more time to do the things you love – all wonderful, valid forms of abundance
  • You have the ability to create the life you crave, and the power to decide how you want to feel EVERY DAY
  • Your creativity EXPLODES and you become capable of designing your life and anything within it
  • Your body feels free, limitless, and light
  • You know how to make yourself JOYFUL, happy, and fulfilled without looking outside of yourself in order to feel a certain way
  • You feel free from past traumas, addictions, and stuck, recurring patterns that aren’t serving YOU

If you’re ready to fall WILDLY in love with yourself, reconnect with your SOUL and her purpose, now is your time!  I offer a complimentary Self-Love discovery session for any woman interested in working together so that we can chat and make sure we’re a good fit!  Remember, your wise soul contains all the answers within, this work provides the space and support to tap into your inner guides and learn to listen.

I am so passionate about this body of work I’ve put together for you!!  It’s truly an honor to share it, and I can’t wait to work with you…

All my love,
Katie XO

Happy Un-Valentine’s Day

Okay, I’m finally (sort of) giving in to the Valentine’s Day madness, though of course in my own typically rebellious fashion.  And I’m not writing this because Friday is Valentine’s Day, but for whatever reason, when I sat down to write this week, this is what came up…

Recently I’ve embarked on a new journey with a beautiful tribe called the Totemic Arts Apprenticeship in which we learn about our personal animal totems, how they correspond with the chakras, archetypes, zodiac signs, and numerology, and what this means for our own healing process, our businesses, lives, and those of our clients.  I’ve been exploring my relationships with my known animal totems (wolf and snowy owl) and how the wisdom and medicine they bring to us can empower our lives and bring clarity to obstacles we love to put in our own way.  There’s lots of fun research and intellectual headiness that the nerd in me LOVES, but throughout the program there’s lots of opportunity for play, art, creativity, collaboration, and receiving support and love from the tribe.

It all sounds great, right?

And it is!

snowy owl flying

AND THEN alllllll your shit comes up.  Stuff you haven’t dealt with, looked at, sat with, or even acknowledged because it’s dark and scary and ugly.  And who wants to feel those ugly emotions and see what kind of shadows are lurking underneath that lovely, mostly put together exterior that we put up?  Not me.

wolf - red

But the thing is, your soul doesn’t give you anything you’re not ready for.  So when things started stirring, I knew it was time.  And I’ll just tell you now, the last couple weeks have been SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  Like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  Old, small, invisible Katie would have bailed in a second.  But I’ve been preparing for this.  I’ve been feeling a major shift coming for the last year, and here it was.  And you know what it was that triggered me so badly? My inner Lover archetype.  The one I had been ignoring most of my adult life.  The one who is terrified of being unloved and unlovable.  The one who, at times, has lost her identity in order to please others.  The one who is afraid of being alone or in relationships devoid of intimacy.  Whose shadow consists of jealousy, attachment, and fear of being undesirable.  Even now as I write that I wince ever so slightly.  But there it is.  Truth laid bare.

red lady wings

So I sat.  I cried.  I fell apart completely, not knowing how the pieces would fit together again.  I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.  Totally burnt out.  Like too tired to speak.  I spent a whole day hibernating, listening to Tom Waits and Nick Cave (yeah, it got dark) and drawing, getting to know this Lover with her medicine of passion, sensuality, creativity, and desire, while acknowledging and forgiving the shadow side that has occasionally made herself known.

Now I’m beginning to come out the other side and I feel as if I reclaimed my power, self-love, sharp instincts, and a piece of my wild soul.  And the message I got from deeply listening to this part of my soul is this:

Love isn’t “nice.”  It isn’t all pink hearts and chocolate and roses.  It’s gutsy, uncomfortable, gritty, and isn’t afraid to reflect to us where we need to work on ourselves.  Love itself can feel like heartbreak.  Like struggle.  Like we’re stepping off the edge of a cliff and have no idea what’s going to catch us.

openness

And the same can be said of Self-Love…maybe even more so.  Because that’s where it begins.  How can we truly love another if we don’t have the foundation of love for ourselves?  How can we show up for someone else if we’re constantly abandoning our own heart?  We gain the confidence and ability to love ourselves when we have the courage to softly open our hearts when we’re scared shitless, speak our truth, honor our process, and let down our walls.  And that’s what Love for another is too.

Let’s not just honor each other one day a year.  Seriously.  Happy Un-Valentine’s Day (aka every other day of the year)!

Keep the channel open

lady pantherI’ve been having some deep conversations lately with sisters, fellow artists, therapists, and visionaries in all capacities about taking that next step.  From being on your spiritual path, doing trainings, certifications, seeing clients, teaching classes, showing up day to day, to then stepping into this new, unknown, and completely terrifying place that has been chosen by your soul.  You know that everything up until now has been leading to this moment in time.  All the transformation, all the dark, mucky, sludgy, messy, chaos and shitstorms that you’ve been weathering have led you here.  And now ALL you have to do is open, receive, and allow your soul’s work to come through you.  So you freeze.

Instead of working on a class or lecture you’re putting together, you binge watch some crappy show on Netflix.  Rather than make those teacup succulent gardens you’re brilliant at, you let yourself get lost in the endless household chores.  You take low-paying (or maybe even high-paying) jobs so that you’re too busy to write that AMAZING coaching program you’ve been wanting to launch *sheepishly raising my hand*.  Maybe it’s something more shameful to you like using alcohol, drugs, food, or sex to fill that creative void or distract yourself from what you know in your heart you have this burning desire to fulfill, write, paint, create.

So, I’m calling bullshit.  And I’m doing this mainly because this is EXACTLY where I’ve been hiding out.  I’ve been holding back for one very simple reason: fear.  I’m afraid that it won’t come out right, that no one will be pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down.  That I’ll essentially be failing the Universe at the task that’s been set for me.  The path that my own soul chose.  What if I just suck at it?  What if I fail?  What if I put my whole heart into something, make my voice heard, show up as big and as powerfully as I can, and all I hear is crickets?

It took a major surrendering, totally letting go of what I thought my ego wanted to do (because it was easy) and realizing my authentic self, my wild soul, is here to do something.  A big something.  Yesterday, I got to receive a bodywork session from a woman I’m lucky enough to call a friend, sister, and teacher.  I got to go into the deepest, darkest recesses of my soul to listen.  I had finally reached the place where I could say, “I have no f*cking clue what I’m supposed to do with any of this.  Why is all of this happening?  What piece am I missing?  Please help!”  I was ready to be open and hear whatever needed to come up.

At the end of the session, before I opened my eyes, before I had a conscious thought, I heard a voice say, “Something big is coming.”  And it felt light.  Powerful and light.  As if my guides were saying all I have to do is say yes to this, to stop standing in my own way, and it’s coming.  Actually, it’s already done.  I just have to write it.

In reflecting on this intensely beautiful session and on the subsequent conversation with my friend after, I remembered this quote from Martha Graham:

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you and into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is: Nor how valuable it is; Nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is ever pleased, there is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine satisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

So I’m putting my voice out there in a HUGE way.  I’m bending some of the marketing rules, completely breaking other ones, but sometimes you gotta break the rules for the sake of creation, transformation, and showing up as a leader.  And if my message and my unique gift to teach is that of self-love and honoring the wildness of your soul, one that is desperately needed by so many women (and men) in our society, then I need to get over my hang-up’s about being “good enough” and let it flow through me.

{Shameless Self-Love} Do you know how AMAZING you are?

Have you seen my Shameless Self-Love video series yet?  It began as a way to work through some of my own visibility issues and evolved into my newest (and soon to be launched) one-on-one coaching program.  30 days + 30 videos dedicated to creating a deeper and more nourishing relationship with your body + soul.  Here’s one of my favorites from day 28 where we dive into Self-Acceptance as part of Self-Love!  Check it out, comment, and share if you so desire…